Not knowing at the New Year
I'm sitting at my dining room table watching the squirrels cavort through the bare trees, trying to stay warm in what has finally become winter weather. The heater is wooshing. I am drowsy. And pensive. I am wondering what the year ahead will hold, what I will create, who I will connect with, whose lives I will touch and who will touch mine in return...
I don't know.
The truth is, I never have. But this year, something is different. I'm ok with the not knowing. The not doing.
As a recovering perfectionist with a strong penchant for planning, I have spent most of my life pushing myself to accomplish, in a certain order, all anyone has asked of me and all I could dream for myself. It worked particularly well through my academic career and continued to serve me until shortly after my daughter was born. Then the years of pushing finally took their toll.
I could not be a perfect mother, no matter how hard I tried. And trying to do it all eventually led to the breakdown of my health. Everything I thought I knew about taking care of myself and my family and pursuing my life had to change in order to heal, from my diet, exercise and practicing regimens to the cleanliness of my house, from my medical care to how I navigated the world of marriage and friendships and spirituality. Ultimately, I had to learn how to take care of myself. How to be my own advocate. And, eventually, how to create a life where I could actually regain and maintain my health.
Now, being mostly on the other side, yet faced with the continuous care of hypoglycemia and hashimoto's thyroiditis, something has shifted again. A deepening. A calling into myself. A desire to live without pushing, striving, and the need to do things simply because someone once said "you're supposed to".
It helps that my incredible 4-yr old daughter meets almost every request with "why". Why indeed, my darling?
Why must we follow the ways of our culture, our upbringing? If they don't make sense to us or we crave something different, then why? "Because I said so" just doesn't feel like a good enough answer for her. And, increasingly, for myself as well.
And so, I do not know. I do not know what the year will bring. I do not know what I will choose to retain and what I will release. I do not know the answers to all the "why"s. And as I embrace the not knowing, I am remarkably free.
Free to create my life as an expression of who I truly am and desire to be. Free to surrender to the being of life and let it be enough for once.
Free to let my soul sing.
What are you embracing and releasing this year? What does your soul want to sing about? Comment below and let's connect!